The B.S. Thread
05-28-2007, 01:42 PM
#4171
Registered
05-28-2007, 01:42 PM
#4172
Registered
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and
John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window
right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied,
"I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window
and make ten people very happy."
John added,
"That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange,
the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window
and make 156 million people very happy."
If you are one of those 156 million -forward this!
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and
John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window
right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied,
"I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window
and make ten people very happy."
John added,
"That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange,
the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window
and make 156 million people very happy."
If you are one of those 156 million -forward this!
05-28-2007, 01:43 PM
#4173
Registered
Texan's in HEAVEN
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We
have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're
swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are
wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce
and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts;
their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep;
they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of
their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean,
and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom.
There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the
place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and
they insist on bringing their horses with them."
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to
call of my children. If you want to know about real problems,
call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says,
"Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the
Devil says, "O.K., I am back. What can I do for you? "
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems
you're having down there with the Texans."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said.
"I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there
with the Texans?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... hold on." This
time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says,
"I am sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have
put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We
have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're
swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are
wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce
and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts;
their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep;
they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of
their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean,
and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom.
There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the
place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and
they insist on bringing their horses with them."
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to
call of my children. If you want to know about real problems,
call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says,
"Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the
Devil says, "O.K., I am back. What can I do for you? "
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems
you're having down there with the Texans."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said.
"I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there
with the Texans?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... hold on." This
time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says,
"I am sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have
put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
05-28-2007, 01:43 PM
#4174
Registered
A man in New York City decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working
east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making
notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was
intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and sign. The pastor
answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven
and
if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the
pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in
Seattle, Salt Lake, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States,
he
found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each
pastor.
Finally he arrived in the lovely Texas hill country town of
Fredericksburg, Texas. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual
golden telephone. BUT THIS time the sign read, "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Father, I have been in
cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden
telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and could
talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads 25 cents a call. "Why?" (I just love this part)...
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now, and
it's a local call."
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working
east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making
notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was
intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and sign. The pastor
answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven
and
if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the
pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in
Seattle, Salt Lake, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States,
he
found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each
pastor.
Finally he arrived in the lovely Texas hill country town of
Fredericksburg, Texas. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual
golden telephone. BUT THIS time the sign read, "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Father, I have been in
cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden
telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and could
talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads 25 cents a call. "Why?" (I just love this part)...
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now, and
it's a local call."
05-28-2007, 01:46 PM
#4176
Registered
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and
they allwent to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and
they allwent to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
05-28-2007, 01:52 PM
#4178
Registered
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
05-28-2007, 01:52 PM
#4179
Registered
Ever wonder how the arrow on your computer screen works when we move the mouse?
Well, have you?
Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.
With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.
Watch & enjoy!
http://www.1-click.jp/
Well, have you?
Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.
With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.
Watch & enjoy!
http://www.1-click.jp/
05-28-2007, 01:53 PM
#4180
Registered
Gambling Blonde
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived
.and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and
yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down....and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one
of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were
watching."
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men.....are men.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived
.and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and
yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down....and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one
of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were
watching."
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men.....are men.
